We often face relationship crises. The younger generation has many situationships and love bombings. They get close for a short time, then drift apart. School life is full of crushes, and as we move to college, we laugh at our stupidity. Society is full of instances of divorces-some mutual and some bitter. As we grow, we make new friends and sometimes can’t connect with old friends. Why do relationships change so fast? Why does the attraction fade away? Somebody was so important to us just a few years back that we could have given our life, and just within a few years or months, we feel hurt and want to hurt that person. Why does it happen? What changes?

We need to talk about these issues with the children because their minds are full of questions. What is a relationship? A relationship is all about connection. When we connect to another person, how do we connect? Our whole sense of “I” comprises two elements: the part of “I” we are conscious of, and the other part of “I”, which is more than the first and which we are unconscious of. When we interact with the other, both parts play their respective roles.

When we have a crush on somebody in our school life, the conscious mind may be aware of certain qualities of the other person, say, he is good in studies, good-looking, or nice to speak to, or understands us well. However, the unconscious mind will also be doing a lot of calculations that we are not aware of, say, whether he is safe, whether we can spend a life together, whether the parents will allow that relationship, and whether the relationship will be sustainable. Often, we are unaware of these unconscious calculations. Similarly, the other person’s conscious and unconscious minds must be doing their part in the calculations. The complexity does not end here. The human mind is constantly changing with exposure.

As we grow, we get new exposure. We meet new people, and our perspective constantly shifts. With every new exposure, the computational matrix of our conscious and unconscious mind changes. When we read the news of a girl killing her fiancé because she loved somebody else, we watch the Netflix series, or movies about crises in relationships, or listen to the story of a friend who is currently handling divorce proceedings, or when we attend social gatherings and see people celebrating their silver or golden jubilee of marriage happily, our minds rework the computational algorithm to handle our relationships. All these things are quite dynamic. We, like the other people in our lives, are constantly changing.

When A and B have a crush on each other and enter into a relationship, they communicate with each other. In that communication, neither A nor B is aware of what is going on in their unconscious minds. Both may also try to hide many things that come to their conscious minds because they want to project a good image of themselves to the other. The conscious mind values the relationship more than truth. A and B both feel some fear, and they believe having the other will help them get rid of it. Or they feel that having the other will make them happy. The desire to have that relationship is so strong that both A and B miss the red flags. They ignore the obvious.

Even if A and B were completely true to each other and nothing was hidden in their unconscious minds, after a year of their relationship, their conscious and unconscious minds will naturally change. They will be exposed to different experiences. They will process these experiences differently. With every new interaction, A and B will recalibrate. Most people keep the relationship at the top, and to make it work, they decide to ignore other things. A husband and wife may not gel well, but they decide to ignore these incompatibilities for the sake of the relationship. What will happen to the kids? What will the parents think, and what will people say? Somehow, the conscious and unconscious minds strongly desire social validation, and A and B decide to ignore these incompatibilities.

But the mind is not so simple. It will keep feeling like being a bird in a golden cage. It will not be happy. It would crave freedom.

If A and B started their life journey inside a swimming pool, either both have to stay in the pool throughout their lives and dismiss the idea of the sea, or both should come out of the pool. If A sees the sea coming out of the pool, he will definitely approach B to come out, but if B refuses, the connection gets lost. Two people can’t have a deep connection if one is unwilling to come out of the pool and the other loves to walk on the beach, surf the waves, or take a deep dive into the ocean. The pool has very limited space, so possibilities are limited.

Life offers us infinite possibilities to grow. It is up to us whether we choose to accept the challenges or comfort. Life inside the pool is comfortable. But the other person may choose the challenges, and then we can’t complain that he has moved away from the relationship. A has outgrown the pool, and B has to leave his comfort and come out of it. Otherwise, B can decide to stay comfortably in the pool. The children need to be told very clearly that they are responsible for their choices. When B chooses to stay in the pool, he may say that A has breached the promise, but A has grown naturally, and all human beings are here to grow. Both A and B must understand the consequences of their choices. Once A and B understand, analyse, and become aware of the full dynamics of their relationship, A does not hold B responsible for not coming out of the pool, and B does not hold A responsible for leaving the pool. Rather, they know very clearly that A and B have drifted apart. They know each person is different, with their own unique life journey, and they try to help each other on their respective journeys.