It’s strange to see how we develop inauthenticity. We see students ambitious to score 90% or more in exams, then wasting time with friends in gup-shup. We see employees in different organisations with the ambition to win awards, yet unwilling to work hard. We see people projecting an image of philanthropy while remaining unconcerned about even their own family members. We see people claiming they love their siblings, yet they won’t even mind filing a property suit against them. Where do all these inauthenticities come from?

How does that student grow inauthentic? He sees that his parents, in particular, and society in general appreciate those students who get 90% or more. He also wants that appreciation. At the same time, his instincts want him to have fun with friends and roam around. Now, if he is aware, he will see the conflict and try to choose one. If he sees the value in that 90% plus, he will not waste time on gup-shups. However, the instinctive mind is actually very smart. It convinces the child to tell itself lies. It creates a mental story that one or two days of masti won’t make any difference, and he will cover the syllabus later. He makes these stories once, twice, thrice, and slowly, his brain gets more and more convinced of the same stories. So much so that the brain starts to turn a blind eye to the real result. 70% on mid-term tests, yet the brain is convinced he will do better on the finals. Slowly, the integrity problem turns into an authenticity problem.

The fundamental problem is a lack of awareness. When making the first decision about whether to waste time in that gup shup, the child is not fully aware. The decision-making is influenced by the desire for the instant pleasure he gets in the company of friends. When they watch a movie together and blow the whistle in the cinema hall, or when they go for a long drive with a bottle of beer, they feel the high. The desire for that instant pleasure is so strong that the voice of the other part of the mind, which says he should stay away from all these things, is suppressed by the loud voices of the instinctive mind. Once the child listens to these loud voices a few times, there is no going back because they create so many mental stories that the child no longer even feels that conflict.

The same thing happens to employees with high ambition and low commitment to work, people with high ambition who want to be called philanthropists but have low compassion, and people who pretend to be very loving with their siblings yet are obsessed with their comfort. The problem is that love, compassion, and excellence are quite pure. They are very dynamic. A mother’s love for a child in his early years demands that she care for him, while the same love, as he grows and marries, demands that she step back and be available only as needed. When the mother loves the child, the locus is the child and his growth. When the mother uses the child as a tool, the locus is her ego and control over the child.

Returning to the solution, if the child who claims he wants to get 90% plus is truly in love with his studies, he will be able to see through the drive of the instinctive mind and say no to wasting time. When the mother loves the child truly, there is no if or but. She will do what is best for the child. Similarly, when the child is committed to doing well in studies, the employee is committed to excellence, the siblings have love, or anyone has compassion for the poor and needy, there will be no conflict. Conflict arises because we are not truly connected. We do not actually love. We do not actually have that commitment, and therefore instincts take over. Love can’t be inculcated artificially. A fearful mind can’t love. A greedy mind can’t love. An ambitious mind can’t love. Connection requires selflessness, and someone with a very strong drive to survive, hold on, or achieve can’t love. Unless we learn to slow down and connect, we can’t love. But if somebody actually falls in love with anything, no instinct can take over.